Taming Your Inner Critic

The inner critic is that voice in your head that tells you when you’ve really blown it. It says things like:

“You are so stupid! Why did you say that?”

“They will never give YOU the promotion”

“You’re a terrible mother. You can’t even manage to get them to school on time.”

“You are so fat! And now you’re eating that?”

For some people it becomes a constant barrage of criticism. For others it shows up occasionally. Many of us have a love-hate relationship with our inner critic. On the one hand, it crushes us, usually when we’re already down, like a school yard bully. But we also have a deep seated fear that without our critic, we would be nothing. We would sink to our lowest level. The critic keeps us at the top of our game if for no other reason than to keep the critic quiet.

The critic has a purpose. Understanding that purpose is the first step to taming the critic. Think back to when your critic started. 

Did you have a parent or teacher that was critical when you didn’t meet their expectations? 

Or maybe you had a parent who didn’t criticize you but rather just had a disappointed look when you brought home a C on a report card. Or maybe you were made fun of because of a mannerism or quirk.

How self-compassionate are you? Take the quiz.

The critic came on board to spare you from these painful experiences. It would keep you in line so that you didn’t experience these external situations of criticism, disappointment or humiliation. 

The trouble is, the critic causes us pain as well. Perhaps at first this internal pain was better than those alternatives. But for many people, eventually, the critic is no longer a helpful sidekick who helps you navigate the pitfalls of social life. Instead it has become a taskmaster, demanding ever increasing levels of perfection.

The second step to taming the critic is recognizing that pain that it causes. However good the critic’s intentions, it may have the unintended effect of producing anxiety and depression. Take some time to recognize how your critic impacts you. 

Finally, begin to expect your critic to treat you with respect. It is fine for it to chime in when needed but it can do so without belittling you or labeling you. Don’t believe everything your critic says. Challenge those thoughts. You are not lazy or stupid or a bad mother. You are a human being with strengths as well as weaknesses, with successes as well as failures. It is ok to be human. It is ok to be imperfect. We all are. Learn to laugh at the foibles of your humanity. 

If your inner critic is proving tough to tame, I would love to help with that. Using techniques from Internal Family Systems, I can help you uncover why your critic developed and how to transform your critic into a healthy and helpful part of you. Request your free initial consultation.

If you haven’t read it yet check out this blog

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Tammy J Cover, MS, LPC specializes in helping people recover from traumatic experiences. Whether combat, sexual assault, relationship trauma or medical trauma, Tammy can help you process and heal from traumatic stress. For more info about Tammy check out her ABOUT page.